The reason I complain and feel sorry for myself right now

As a lot of you know I've not been very well for a while, I have been off work for 6 weeks now, not including the 2 weeks before that for Easter.

It all seemed to start with a rather nasty sinus infection that spread, that healed up and I was all set for going back to work but unfortunately only managed one day before having to go home with the worse headache/migraine I've ever had. This then lasted for another 4 weeks.

 I of course went to my GP who said it was a virus, then a week later said it's post viral. I have had countless tests done, all of which came back clear.

Okay so now I know what I've not got...but to closer to what I have got. This week when I went back my GP said that it is post viral fatigue, and if I have no improvement within a month I will be referred to the hospital.

 Now post viral fatigue... I had a bit of a think about it and thought, before I had this I never would have thought this is what it would be like. For everyone I guess things are different but to give you an idea of what it is like for me I will give you a typical day for me at the moment.

 Alarm goes off, I have slept for 10 hours yet feel like I only just dropped off. I struggle to open my eyes and as I wake up realise that my whole body hurts. When I say hurts I don't mean a dull ache or a few niggles I mean proper agony from head to toe! I finally get up, before I can do anything I have to have something to eat, until I have eaten I can't take my medication and if I can't take that I might as well just get back in bed as the pain will be so bad for the rest of the day I will be unable to do anything.

Once meds have been taken I can tackle the challenges of the day, so many things I used to take for granted, like washing my hair, getting dressed, running up the stairs. Some days are better than others and I might just be able to wash my own hair, or get both arms in a jacket, running up the stairs however is out no matter how good the day might be but as the song goes "two out of three ain't bad" Once all that is done and I am dressed and washed and ready to leave the house what do I do.....sleep! Yes mid morning naps, a luxury I thought only babies and the elderly got to indulge in, ok joking aside it's not so much of a luxury as a necessity for me, if I don't have a rest at least I cannot physically make it through the rest of the day. 

Random thought when I said about it being a better day I should explain that too, I scale pain out of 10, on a bad day the pain can be at about 9/10 all day long, when I say a good day that doesn't mean that the pain is 0/10 if i am really lucky it might only be 3/10 but more than likely it will be more like 5/10.

 Right nap time is over and milk and cookie time still a long way off it's time to try and do some jobs and get lunch. For this I will need the help of my new best friend, my walking stick! I would be totally lost without it as it is the only way I can get around the house without holding onto furniture, falling and doing the penguin shuffle. Any kind of house work is hard going, raising my arms up i agony as is bending down, I have to kneel at the washing machine to load and unload it as bending down to do it is just out of the question. Making lunch isn't so easy either, you don't realise until you can't lift arms up or bend down far how all of the food in the house is either really high or really low! All this probably takes a hour or so and by the time it's all done I am totally shattered again and pain levels are high, time for more meds.

 If there is time I will have another nap or rest round about now, sometimes just getting lunch can take that long that it is already time for the school run. Once all the boys are in from school I will get the dinner cooked, again what I do depends on how helpful the boys are and what sort of day I have had. I do have great kids that will help me prepare the dinner and help clear away the pots after it (most of the time, but they are children after all lol).

 Evening times are very relaxed, by evening I am so stiff and so sore I can't really do a great deal, at the end of the night if I am lucky I can get up to bed, if it's too painful to get up the stairs I will just sleep on the sofa. Some nights I will sleep all nights, others I will be woken with muscle cramps, twitching, pain, night fever or headache.

One other thing I am having to learn to live with is brain fog. So many times I start to say something only to forget what the word is I am looking for, or try to say it and nothing come out of my mouth. I can't remember things very well, and any kind of concentration leaves me totally worn out with a migraine.

I have so much respect for people that have lived with things like this for years, I didn't realise how much I took for granted until now. Going to the beach and having to stay off the sand because you are in a wheelchair, not being able to go for a walk in the park, I can either sit on a bench and watch it or be pushed around it.
Not being able to run around with my children, go to work, do all the things that make me ME!

 I hope you understand a little more now what I am going through right now. I will find ways to deal with it and to try and keep my life, but if i am a little short tempered, distant or just not myself you know why so please just be patient with me.


blackdragon said…
If you ever just want to talk.... moan.... cry...laugh or scream... email me.... or you'll find me on SS forum....and a load of others who'll help to raise your spirits.
I/ we're always here for you. Love BDx
ike said…
Jeez Louise.... that's sooooo damn horrible. :-( I hope they can find out what is going on inside you real soon. Total bummer. :-( :-( Like BD sais..... come over and rant/talk with us at SS if you want some crazy cheer ups or just friendly listening ears. We can make ALL the right noises even if we can't actually heal you :-D xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Tori said…
What a horrible experience you are having at the moment. I too hope your doctors figure this out soon, it sounds completely miserable. Maybe the best thing would be to put you in the hospital so they can really get in there and figure it out. I know that doesn't sound like fun either, but maybe that will give them the chance to tackle it. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and sending healing energy your way. Just remember that you're not alone and there are people here to help you get thru this. :)

~Lady B~ said…
It sounds like much more than post viral fatigue. I do hope the doctors can figure out what is truly wrong so you may be on the path of getting better. Living with constant pain is horrible. It makes you exhausted, depressed, irritable and so much more. It interferes with relationships and puts life on hold. It makes you feel like a dead person walking or like a ghost of your former self. I am so sorry you are going through this, but I am so proud of you for being open about it and sharing it. It is okay to feel sorry for yourself for a bit each day. Afterall, you are mourning of loss of everything you used to be able to do. Don't stay in a pit of despair. Get angry and FORCE the doctors to figure this out. We are all here for you so vent whenever you need. I'm sending gentle hugs and healing vibes.
Shelley Knight said…
You gals are just the best! Thank you all for your kind words, I will be battling what ever this is all the way and trying hard not to let it determine who I am. Xxx

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