Down But Not Out

What a messy year this has been so far! I feel like I've spend all year picking myself up just to fall at the next hurdle and I'll be honest it is wearing on my now.

I'm trying to hard to stay positive, trying to keep smiling, keep moving forward but it's becoming harder every day. The things that people think should be bothering me don't and the things that shouldn't bother me do. My head is a mixed up messy place...some days it is so full of noise that I can't think straight other days it's a very lonely place. I am not sharing this because I need your pity, I don't want help or to be told it will all be okay. I know these things, I guess this is part of a process for me, one I need to just go through to be able to see the rainbow.

So what has got me down this past few weeks? The same kid who hit me almost hitting me again proving he has learned nothing at all from last time, having 2 beautiful previous students lose their lives in a terrible car crash, not getting the grades I had hoped for in my last 2 modules, getting a letter today to say I've being evicted from my allotment plot because it is a mess...a mess because I've not been able to work on it really since my accident.

I am used to knock backs, they are things that I've become really good at getting back up from and carrying on with a determination to prove the world you can't beat me, I am just so tired, so worn out, so broken right now I'm not sure I can even see the way any more yet alone follow it.

The last thing that is starting to wear me out is my hair. I am losing it...a lot of it and I am perfectly okay with that. In fact, I actually like that I have an excuse to shave most of it off. What is getting me down is the constant "I don't know what I'd do if I lose my hair", "I would be totally devastated I don't know how you are coping" You know what...if you would be that upset then I get it...but it's not happening to you, it's happening to me and I am okay with it...just not okay with everyone wanting to comfort me over it all the time! To highlight my point yesterday I went to work with pink hair, pulled to the side so everyone could see the shaved parts and the completely bald parts.

I'm going to be spending a few weeks looking after myself, not caring who I offend by not returning messages, not worrying what others might be thinking, not stressing over things I can't change. Just time to be me, to rest and heal, to get my happy back.

So until next time!

Mimi  Bo



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